*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
You Might Also Like
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Oh boy, $150,000!
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.