@IamEveryDayPpl

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

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@SoVeryBritish

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

@Darlainky

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

@squirrel74wkgn

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

@djdarrellripley

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

@DrakeGatsby

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

@iwearaonesie

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

@WheelTod

[Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great