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One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.