Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
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well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”