@sherifsharkawi

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

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@mellimelle

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

@Shade510

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

@Aspersioncast

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

@NottaBigDeal

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

@sunexplode

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

@CruelMeiga

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

@UNDEADTRESOR

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

@Pierre__4

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

@comedyfish

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach