Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

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Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.


Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.


What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.


There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.


Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.


I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.


I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.


If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve


If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach