Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
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Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me