Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
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A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
When you let grandma cat sit
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Yup.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby