Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
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therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*