If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

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That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.


If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.


I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.


Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*


My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice


It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze


*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?


[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”


[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?