Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
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DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Most fashion shows these days…
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2