Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
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*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
The three genders.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!