“felt cute might delete later lolz”
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The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Had a spot of bother earlier.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
did it work
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.