@EllaZee5

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

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@ericsodapop

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

@RocketRankoon

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

@InternetHippo

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

@AaronFullerton

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

@bewgtweets

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

@simoncholland

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

@mommywhitfield

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

@juneohara65

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

@mellimelle

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.