Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
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We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
not to brag, but mine was free
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct