felt that
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Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I’ve been drinking.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills