@Lisabug74 A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
@brianbowman73 Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
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@Lisabug74 
@mxmclain Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
@TheSeanBrewster Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
@OrangeFact ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
@ieatanddrink Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
@thepunningman Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
@shatty48 Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
@nickeldoodle [At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
@MattBellassai alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
@HarryRamble I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.