Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
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I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
My wedding will be open casket.