@brianbowman73

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

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@Lisabug74

A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.

@mxmclain

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

@TheSeanBrewster

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

@OrangeFact

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

@ieatanddrink

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

@thepunningman

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

@shatty48

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

@nickeldoodle

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

@MattBellassai

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

@HarryRamble

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.