Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
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no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
The only equipped I am is ill.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
This is why I hate group projects
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly