Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
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My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
oppen heimer style lol
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.