Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
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A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Ron is short for Aaronald
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
My current situation
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me