Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
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All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Print is alive and well!!!
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.