Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
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One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.