[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
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Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
This is the best one I’ve seen
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours