fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
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A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
😆this is so true
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
*looks at you in batman voice*
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.