Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
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I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
good work, everybody
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*