Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

Me: (Sneezes)

Microchip in my left arm: Bless you

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

There is no “ea” in Tim.

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks