Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
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Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.