Festive toon…
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Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
With this onion ring, I thee fed
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
secret recipe
how to market bottled water to dads
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.