Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

Finished stitching this today 😇

her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…

Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.