Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
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If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.