#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
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Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…