fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
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On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING