FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

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The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies


The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.


*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”


[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.


My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist


[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
“welcome to the navy seals”


My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before


Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”


6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first