FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
You Might Also Like
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Herpes is trending, good job people
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff