@Brampersandon_

FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

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@TheTweetOfGod

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

@PinkCamoTO

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

@UncleDuke1969

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

@JohnLyonTweets

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

@6thgrade4ever

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

@KeetPotato

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

@oneawkwardmom

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before

@ohheyitskel

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

@reallifemommy3

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first