fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
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Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
this country is so goddamn polarized
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked