Fiction has to make sense.
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There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
ibopfufen
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Somewhere in an alternate universe
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.