“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
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“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
❤️❤️❤️
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
School be like
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”