[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
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I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed