Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
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me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Breaking news:
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.