Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
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Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad