Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
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My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!