Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
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A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.