Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
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Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?