Fight
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I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
nature’s most graceful animal
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?