figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
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“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up