[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
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Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t