*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
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Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
How can I say no to this ?
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Don’t make me out nice you.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?