*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
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Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
knights of the ikea table
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
S/o to @funTweeters .
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia