[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
You Might Also Like
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Delightful if true: booby trap.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Damn what did I do next
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!