[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
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Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Jurassic park gets weird
I’m not proud
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.