@ericsshadow

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

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@Kyle_Raney

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

@Mike_Bianchi

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

@MyPornKhan

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

@_davidlucas_

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

@ericsshadow

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

@Lemonidas42

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

@clichedout

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

@Gre_Gone

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

@envydatropic

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase