(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
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[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.