Finally! 😈
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It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I didn’t come here to be called names
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL