@CumberdickB
@JaimeSamantha My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
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@JaimeSamantha 
@snmrrw i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
@noog Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
@Ideal_Victoria I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
@dril my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
@Dani_Feld Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
@NourHadidi Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
@anerdonfire2 Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
@StarWarsProblms Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
@GarryShandling If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.