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My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)


i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.


Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.


my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me


Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?


Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.


Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.


Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.



Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?


If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.