Finally!
You Might Also Like
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Trains are just sideway elevators.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?