finally
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Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
✌🏽
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
This meal prepping shit easy
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Very good! 👍😂
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!