Finally, a door that understands me
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[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.